Honesty is hard.
I mean, I can be honest with myself in the dark depths of my mind. I can look at everything less then perfect about me, nod and accept it and move on. But to be honest about myself out loud? Ya, that is definitely tough.
Do you want some honestly?
I used to have a myriad of dreams. Once I wanted to be an actress, a lawyer, a veterinarian, a famous writer… I wanted to change the world… I wanted to save the world. I wanted to be something that mattered on a grand scale.
The reality of it all is that I hate being the center of attention, I don’t believe in the justice system, I’m squeamish and I feel desperately undereducated. Additionally, for a long time I didn’t understand how a single voice could affect anything, let alone change it.
Time has served to teach me many things. It hasn’t made me a better writer, it hasn’t given me any more focus, and it hasn’t made me brilliant, but one thing it has given me is a little clarity.
What I’ve come to understand above all other things is that real life is much different then our dreams. It is so vanilla that sometimes you don’t even notice the sprinkles on top.
Real life just is. That’s all… it just is.
Once upon a not that long ago I believed that just ‘being’ was a failure on my part. I thought… I am none of the things I dreamt of being, therefore I must be nothing.
I thought… no one will remember me when I’m gone, so my time here has been pointless.
But though my life never took me down any of the paths I thought I wanted to travel, it did lead me to new and unexpected treasures.
I wasted a very long portion of my life on being miserable. I have struggled with depression, anxiety and insomnia. I have felt like an outsider. I have been the outsider. I have allowed myself to become entwined in the gauze of utter despair and I have looked at life as though it were a punishment inflicted upon me rather then a gift given to me.
My reality though; while it may not be any of the things I once dreamed of; is rather blessed.
I am not rich by any means, and yet all of my needs in life are met. I am not breathtakingly beautiful, but someone sees beyond my flaws. I am not famous, but to at least two small children on this planet I am the brightest star in the universe. I am not coveted by the masses, but I am loved by one good man. I am not brilliant, but at least I am not a fool.
Tomorrow might bring an end to my intimacy with contentment, but tonight I see only one way to sum this up, and that is to borrow the immortal words of Charlie Sheen…
At any rate…
… good or bad, right or wrong, relatable or completely insane… thanks for stopping by my own private universe.