A blog about whatever randomosity my fevered mind conceives.

REAL VAMPS DON’T SPARKLE: A Message from a Concerned Member of the Vampire Community

{Note: I woke up this morning in a silly mood, sat down to work on my novel and found that I just couldn’t concentrate on the task at hand. I felt like writing, I just didn’t much feel like being serious. I opened up a fresh new page and started goofing around; what follows is the product of my peculiar sense of humour -sorry. ~Robin~}

Dear friends and fellow plasma enthusiasts,

I was there at the advent of moving pictures, and I was there when moving pictures were given sound.

I was there to witness an unforgettable Max Schreck as he terrorized the silent screen in Nosferatu, and I was there to applaud the impressive performance of Bela Lugosi in the original Dracula.

I mention these things to point out that I am not a complete snob when it comes to the Breathers’ often ridiculous depictions of us. In fact, as far fetched as the movies have been over the years, I have found myself (for the most part) sincerely entertained.

In many ways the Breathers have actually aided us, as we all know, in our attempts to blend in and go amongst them unnoticed.

In the old days, they painted such gruesome pictures that none amongst them would have ever guessed at the vampire in the room. Thus, the more outrageous their imaginings became, the more our community sought to leave these people in peace.

I am here today though, my brethren, to suggest that it is no longer in our best interest to allow them to carry on.

Now, I admit that this is not an entirely new consideration for me;

Back in 1989 after leaving a late night showing of Vampire’s Kiss, I was deeply tempted to go on an all night blood binge beginning with every moron who ever decided casting Nicolas Cage was a good idea, and ending with Cage himself.

Somehow, I managed to contain myself, and in time I let it go.

In 1994, I found myself once more unsettled after watching Interview with the Vampire. You see, that snivelling fool Louis made me suspect that Anne Rice was mocking our kind for kicks. However, Tom Cruise’s portrayal of the rock star-like Lestat managed to balance things out well enough for me to keep my cool.

There were a few other slights on the silver screen over the years, as I am sure you’re all aware; Embrace of the Vampire, Vampire in Brooklyn, Transylmania, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the movie), BloodRayne… and that’s just to name a few.  With each of these blows I struggled to contain my pain and embarrassment for our race; I struggled to control my rage over the Breathers growing lack of reverence.

I reminded myself that there had been many great films to make up for the rubbish;

Cronos, Fright Night, Salem’s Lot, The Lost Boys, Near Dark, Thirst… and ahhh… then in ’97 there was the little screen adaption of Joss Whedon’s Buffy.

Ok sure, it was a little far fetched and ridiculous at times. I mean, for starters, who amongst us has ever witnessed a new vamp crawl into their second life as an amazingly talented martial artist?

And that mopey Angel guy? … BORING!

That spunky little Sarah Michelle Gellar could often be annoying; bad actress, decent tits, occasionally amusing one-liners; but there was her sometimes-sidekick Spike, and that deliciously disturbed Drusilla. All in all, I think the series paid us decent homage.

Sure, the small screen gave us some gratingly bad mishaps as well; Forever Knight, Kindred: The Embraced, and Moonlight… but it also gave us Being Human and the Munsters; that while ridiculous, was quite amusing; and in 2008, it brought us True Blood which is bloody amazing… no pun intended.

Up until now, there has always been a delicate balance between ridicule and worship for our kind in human media.

Up until now we could afford to turn a blind eye to the little insults, because all in all, they weren’t all that damaging.

But, my friends, I am here to tell you that the days of being feared and respected by the Breathers have come to a sudden and revolting end! If we don’t stand together and act now, our entire species will become the laughingstocks of the underworld!

Let me explain…

Some of you may be prepared for the travesties I am about to broach; there has been a lot of buzz after all; but many of you will find yourselves just as stunned and mortified as I now find myself.

I have just finished watching a movie on Netflix that almost makes me regret my immortality.

It’s a mind-numbing little tale about a hopelessly awkward girl who falls in love with a big-haired, pretty boy vampire with a disturbingly large forehead.

Not only is this ‘vampire’ (and I use the term loosely) a ‘vegetarian’, he is also attending high school for the umpteenth time… by choice.

All of that; as I am sure you’ll agree; is moderately forgivable, but wait!! That is not what got my fangs in a twist.

There is a scene in this movie where awkward-girl and forehead-boy are out in sunlit field and; brace yourselves; not only does the sunlight not kill him, but it actually causes his skin to sparkle!!! SPARKLE!!!!

What kind of self respecting creature of the night can ignore this blatant slander?

How can we go blindly forward knowing how dire the situation has become?

No, my brothers and sister, we must stand up and fight!

We must fight to retain our rightful place at the top of the food chain!

We must fight to insure that such a despicable offence is wiped completely from the pages of history!

We must attack and destroy our enemies in the human world as a warning to others that might so callously disparage our honour!

The time has come my friends to stand and fight for what is right!

Hear my call to arms and march with me against those that would smear and defame our very race!!!!

I will be holding an emergency meeting on the 3rd of March to discuss an adequate plan of attack.


The assembly will be held at the Starbucks on Water Avenue.

The meeting will begin at 10:30 p.m. precisely.

B.Y.O.B. (bring your own blood) – Refreshments will not be provided.


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