A blog about whatever randomosity my fevered mind conceives.

Challenge Day 01: Something you hate about yourself

So I sat down this morning to tackle the very first challenge (as mentioned in ‘The perfect time to start something new…‘) and found myself a little stumped. It was not a very encouraging start (#1 and I’m already stumped? COME ON! Get your head in the game, girl!). But, it is what it is. I wandered away and have spent all day thinking about it since.

Here I am to give it another shot.

Now everyone has things that they’d like to change about themselves. I personally sometimes wish that I was shorter, wish that I had a faster metabolism (so I could eat all the junk food I crave without having to worry about gaining a single pound), wish I had green eyes, and I have a mole that I am not particularly fond of. But these are all physical attributes and not really very important to the big picture. Plus, I don’t actually hate that I’m tall, that I have to watch what I eat (or slave on a treadmill to atone for my food sins), my brown eyes, or the aforementioned mole; these are just things I occasionally think about. If I were to suddenly develop cool, godlike powers, I might change these things, but in the meantime, they don’t cause me any great distress.

Okay, so what’s next?

I wish I were better educated. In fact, if I could actually afford it – the time and the money – I would probably commit myself to being a lifelong student. Sometimes (often), I’m hypertensive to my naturally poor grammar, punctuation and (writing) structure skills, and I seriously envy people that don’t have to concentrate so hard on trying to minimize their errors. But… I don’t actually hate this about myself either, and since it is something that time and effort can amend, I can live with is.

So where does that leave me?

Still a little stumped, unfortunately.

There was a time in the not so distant past when I would have had no problem answering this question. I would have had a list of answers as long as my arm that would have rolled off my tongue (or my fingers in this case) so fast that it would have made your head spin. But that was then, and this is now. I don’t think there is anything that I actually hate about myself anymore, so the best I can do is try to meet this challenge halfway…

I am sometimes very annoyed with myself for being such an emotionally charged person; it doesn’t always lead me down the best paths. Though over the years I have gotten a somewhat better hold on my emotions (thus my emotional reactions), there are times (plenty of them) when I am completely unpredictable, even to myself.

This has led me to initiate destructive relationships, led me to dissolve good ones, led me to put my life in danger for any of a hundred stupid reasons, and led me to make more than my fair share of bad choices. Yes, it is this part of myself that has lead me to fall head over heals in love way too quickly and in turn led to recurring heartbreak. This is the part of me that used to be way too eager to trust and in turn brought me to countless disappointments. This is the part of my personality that has gotten me arrested on occasion – I’m sure we’ll get into this at some later date – and has even landed me in the emergency room on at least two occasions (that I can remember). Yes, this is the part of me that is often easy to anger, upset, annoy, intrigue, amuse, surprise, elate, piss off, sympathize, grieve, panic and embarrass, which in turn leads me to act out, cry, stomp my feet, concentrate deeply, laugh like a hyena, shout, grin from ear to ear, rage like an insane person, reach out to anyone (regardless of the wisdom in doing so), weep uncontrollably, completely freak out, blush and/or try to hide out. Damn, that was a mouthful.

Do I hate this about myself? No. In fact, while there are still times that it greatly irks me, there are other times when I love this piece of personality. This is the same part of me responsible for many of the things I love most about myself; spontaneity, passion, compassion, etc.; so there is no way that I can actually hate it. Not now, anyway… but I did once.

I used to look at controlled people with a great deal envy and respect. I wanted to be cold, controlled and distant. I didn’t want to feel everything that went on in the world around me so deeply or find myself reacting to these things so irrationally. I didn’t want to care what people thought of me, or care if they liked me at all. I just wanted to be emotionally stable so bad, that I basically dreamt of being a robot.

But that was then, and this is now. Now, this is as close as I can come to meeting the 1st of these challenges, and I’m pretty much okay with that.

P.S.: Sorry if this is at all hard to follow – as I mentioned earlier, I’m going to attempt to do these challenges without editing the hell out of them.

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27 responses

  1. I LOVE IT! 😀

    I hate being tall as well at times. It can be such a pain in the ass. Anyway, I love how your honesty just oozes out of this post. I guess this is what you mean when you talk about having arguments with yourself. Yes, this but no, because of that. Lol. I think it’s rather endearing! 😛

    March 1, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    • haha Ya… endearing… I’m not sure all of my personalities would agree with that word 😛 lol. I honestly spent all damn day trying to think up one single thing that I hate about myself and this was as close as I came. That’s amazing. It was actually a great learning experience.

      March 1, 2012 at 4:50 pm

      • I can’t wait to try it out next month!! *all excited in her head* But in all honesty, good job! I got to know a few new things about you! (yay!)

        March 1, 2012 at 4:52 pm

      • hehe… I wish you were doing it now actually. I was all excited thinking I’d be getting to learn things about you at the same time. Ah well, April is as good a time as any to learn!!

        March 1, 2012 at 4:53 pm

      • Haha. I really really did want to do it this month, but then I didn’t want the other posts to fall behind either. It took me FOREVER to make up my mind. Lol.

        March 1, 2012 at 4:55 pm

      • lol ya… I’m a little worried about over committing myself, but one of the greatest things about myself (in my opinion) is that if I do find myself overwrought, I’ll simply K.O. whatever is adding too much pressure and walk away without too much guilt lol.

        March 1, 2012 at 4:57 pm

      • Hahaha! Awesome. I end up feeling really bad if I don’t stick to my goals so I try to keep them in check and not overshoot. 😛

        March 1, 2012 at 4:59 pm

      • Well I have main goals and side goals. My main goals are obviously my family and all things real-life related. That stuff comes first without a doubt. As far as my writing goals go, my novel gets top priority… everything else is then a side goal and can afford to be cut if need be. I have to look at things this way or, like you, I will beat myself up for not sticking by my goals… so long as they’re only side goals, I’m never 100% committed. Does that make sense? lol

        March 1, 2012 at 5:02 pm

      • Haha. Yes, that makes complete sense. I get riled up about all my goals sooooo yeah. If I overshoot, I end up messing up every single one them in the process. Lol.

        March 1, 2012 at 5:04 pm

      • OMG that is exactly what I do if I allow myself to get overly committed; I just give up. It’s annoying!!!

        March 1, 2012 at 5:06 pm

      • It’s extremely annoying. I just wish I could find a way to balance it out. GAH! x_x

        March 1, 2012 at 5:11 pm

      • curious now btw… how tall are you?

        March 1, 2012 at 4:54 pm

      • 175cm.. 5ft 9.5 inches.. How about you?

        March 1, 2012 at 4:56 pm

      • oh, I got you beat by a bit; I’m just a smidgen shy of 5ft 11 inches. It always sucked being tall growing up!!!

        March 1, 2012 at 4:59 pm

      • Whoa. I love you now, you know that right? I absolutely adore it when I finally meet someone taller than me! 😛

        March 1, 2012 at 5:00 pm

      • haha go me!!!! I forgot to mention (because of your 7 personal things) that I’m also not a fan of heat or direct sunlight and Mexican is one of my two fave foods – the other being Japanese. I also always hug a pillow AND my monkey Benny at night:$

        March 1, 2012 at 5:05 pm

      • Dude. Marry me! Japanese food is the shit! I don’t have a monkey, but I do have a snow leopard. 😛

        March 1, 2012 at 5:09 pm

      • haha it’s an engagement! What’s your tiger’s name?

        March 1, 2012 at 5:19 pm

      • Kafel. 🙂

        March 1, 2012 at 5:20 pm

      • aww cute!

        March 1, 2012 at 5:44 pm

      • Haha. I’ve actually written up a whole biography for him somewhere, I just don’t remember where. 😛 I think I might publish it once I find it.

        March 1, 2012 at 5:45 pm

      • haha you should! I loved Kyle’s post today about Dennis – that was awesome!

        March 1, 2012 at 5:58 pm

      • I know, right? TOO CUTE!

        March 1, 2012 at 5:59 pm

      • Way cute actually.

        March 1, 2012 at 5:59 pm

      • OMG ok, I’ll be back later… hopefully lol.

        March 1, 2012 at 5:19 pm

  2. wow… that is some powerful stuff… damn…. it brought some shit home for me… i guess everyone has stuff they’d like to change about themselves, i know i do. loving ourselves tho is not egotistical or selfish, its a duty.

    this is, without doubt, one of the best pieces i’ve ever found on your blog.

    March 1, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    • Wow.. thank you. Loving ourselves is a duty, i so agree.

      March 1, 2012 at 5:41 pm

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