Challenge Day 01: Something you hate about yourself
So I sat down this morning to tackle the very first challenge (as mentioned in ‘The perfect time to start something new…‘) and found myself a little stumped. It was not a very encouraging start (#1 and I’m already stumped? COME ON! Get your head in the game, girl!). But, it is what it is. I wandered away and have spent all day thinking about it since.
Here I am to give it another shot.
Now everyone has things that they’d like to change about themselves. I personally sometimes wish that I was shorter, wish that I had a faster metabolism (so I could eat all the junk food I crave without having to worry about gaining a single pound), wish I had green eyes, and I have a mole that I am not particularly fond of. But these are all physical attributes and not really very important to the big picture. Plus, I don’t actually hate that I’m tall, that I have to watch what I eat (or slave on a treadmill to atone for my food sins), my brown eyes, or the aforementioned mole; these are just things I occasionally think about. If I were to suddenly develop cool, godlike powers, I might change these things, but in the meantime, they don’t cause me any great distress.
Okay, so what’s next?
I wish I were better educated. In fact, if I could actually afford it – the time and the money – I would probably commit myself to being a lifelong student. Sometimes (often), I’m hypertensive to my naturally poor grammar, punctuation and (writing) structure skills, and I seriously envy people that don’t have to concentrate so hard on trying to minimize their errors. But… I don’t actually hate this about myself either, and since it is something that time and effort can amend, I can live with is.
So where does that leave me?
Still a little stumped, unfortunately.
There was a time in the not so distant past when I would have had no problem answering this question. I would have had a list of answers as long as my arm that would have rolled off my tongue (or my fingers in this case) so fast that it would have made your head spin. But that was then, and this is now. I don’t think there is anything that I actually hate about myself anymore, so the best I can do is try to meet this challenge halfway…
I am sometimes very annoyed with myself for being such an emotionally charged person; it doesn’t always lead me down the best paths. Though over the years I have gotten a somewhat better hold on my emotions (thus my emotional reactions), there are times (plenty of them) when I am completely unpredictable, even to myself.
This has led me to initiate destructive relationships, led me to dissolve good ones, led me to put my life in danger for any of a hundred stupid reasons, and led me to make more than my fair share of bad choices. Yes, it is this part of myself that has lead me to fall head over heals in love way too quickly and in turn led to recurring heartbreak. This is the part of me that used to be way too eager to trust and in turn brought me to countless disappointments. This is the part of my personality that has gotten me arrested on occasion – I’m sure we’ll get into this at some later date – and has even landed me in the emergency room on at least two occasions (that I can remember). Yes, this is the part of me that is often easy to anger, upset, annoy, intrigue, amuse, surprise, elate, piss off, sympathize, grieve, panic and embarrass, which in turn leads me to act out, cry, stomp my feet, concentrate deeply, laugh like a hyena, shout, grin from ear to ear, rage like an insane person, reach out to anyone (regardless of the wisdom in doing so), weep uncontrollably, completely freak out, blush and/or try to hide out. Damn, that was a mouthful.
Do I hate this about myself? No. In fact, while there are still times that it greatly irks me, there are other times when I love this piece of personality. This is the same part of me responsible for many of the things I love most about myself; spontaneity, passion, compassion, etc.; so there is no way that I can actually hate it. Not now, anyway… but I did once.
I used to look at controlled people with a great deal envy and respect. I wanted to be cold, controlled and distant. I didn’t want to feel everything that went on in the world around me so deeply or find myself reacting to these things so irrationally. I didn’t want to care what people thought of me, or care if they liked me at all. I just wanted to be emotionally stable so bad, that I basically dreamt of being a robot.
But that was then, and this is now. Now, this is as close as I can come to meeting the 1st of these challenges, and I’m pretty much okay with that.
P.S.: Sorry if this is at all hard to follow – as I mentioned earlier, I’m going to attempt to do these challenges without editing the hell out of them.