A blog about whatever randomosity my fevered mind conceives.

Freaking Out

{Once upon a time, I didn’t believe in mental illnesses like depression and anxiety. I didn’t believe because I didn’t understand how one’s mind could possibly get so out of their own control that it could/would completely alter and even cripple a person. When I was first afflicted, I didn’t know what was going on for a long time… I started to unravel and I did it in complete silence because of my preset misconceptions about mental illness. The following is something I wrote in the early stages of that complete and utter freefall through darkness. When I started playing with the idea of sharing some of the ‘old stuff’ with you guys, I’d intended to lead you down the path of my ‘breakdown’ at some point, but I never intended to take you this far into it… I never thought I’d have the guts to show something this personal, but isn’t that what the whole goal of sharing the ‘old stuff’ is about? This is a terrible poem – no structure, no rhythm, no grace – and barely even a poem at that. It was in with my ‘Days in the Life’ entries in fact, not where I keep my poems. Still, I have come across several people on WordPress lately that seem to be going through a very similar hell as the one that I went through and I’m kind of hoping that seeing how screwed up I got (and knowing that I’m now happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life) might help in some tiny way. Just knowing that you’re not entirely alone can be a very comforting thing – I wish I’d known that at the time.}

Freaking Out

It feels like I’m choking

Slowly drowning as I slip beneath the waves

It feels as though I’m dying

Trapped here like a prisoner

What the hell is wrong with this world?

Why the hell do I have to be a part of it?

Why the fuck can’t I have a tiny piece of peace?

Why do I suffer for all the things in life that I never even meant to do?

Why is it that every time I find anything good

I’m faced ten times over with this knowledge that I don’t deserve it?

Why is it that my mind won’t be still?

Why is it that a thinking mind can’t work out the kinks in this fucked up world?

Where do I belong?

Anywhere?

Nowhere?

What doest it even matter anymore?

I’m never going to find home

This is maddening!

I’m so trapped!

Trapped forever in a prison created to sap my soul and destroy my mind.

Where is MY salvation?

Why do I still even bother to hold on to the hope that it might exist?

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

I hate this existence!

I hate this world!

I hate this place that I’ve been forced to take!

I hate the life I lead!

I hate the road I follow!

I hate this absence of light!

I hate knowing that all is lost

And I hate the moments of weakness when I try to pretend it’s not!

I hate myself!

I hate my face!

I hate my thoughts!

I hate my dreams!

I hate hating!

I want something more

Something less?

I want something different than this hell!

I want a new lease on life!

I want an old passion for ANYTHING!

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

Why do I keep wandering as though there’s even a chance for me?

Why do I keep faltering, as though I have something to hang on to?

Goddamn this life!

Make it stop!

I’m tired

I can’t take much more

I’ve done my share

I just want peace!

FUCK!

Some people exist to know happiness

Some suffer I guess

I was born to suffer!

This is my place in life

I’m tired of my place in life!

I’m tired of my world!

Why can’t I have a day in the sun?

Why am I destined to this?????

What the fuck did I DO?

I’m so tired

I just want to sleep

I wish I could sleep

I’m so frustrated!

I need rest

Rest never finds me!

I’m so angry I want to destroy the world!

I’m so bitter I want to destroy myself!

I’m so nothing and I’m so everything

I’m so lost and afraid

I’m so desperate

I’m so pathetic

Something, someone… anyone… save me!

Something, someone… anyone… give me peace!

Give me something real!

Anything

Give me back my life!

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

I’m loosing it here!

I’ve lost it!

7 responses

  1. It sounds like a rap. Lol. I really like it. I don’t quite know if this is the appropriate thing to say, but the desperation is SCREAMING from the words. You can actually FEEL the writers pain and frustration.

    March 2, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    • Ya… it actually still causes me to get a little shaky reading back over it… weird. I’d picked another one from the same time period to post – it was a lot lighter – thinking it would be more… I don’t know… appropriate maybe? I don’t know why exactly I changed my mind and went with this one, but I KNOW that if I hadn’t been talking to you while I prepared it for post, I wouldn’t have hit the ‘publish’ button. Thank you!

      March 2, 2012 at 12:54 pm

      • Awww. I’m glad I could help! 🙂

        I’m extremely happy that you chose to publish. Kudos to you. It must’ve taken a lot of courage. 🙂

        March 2, 2012 at 1:05 pm

      • Thanks! Now I must do something entirely goofy to lighten the mood… think it would freak people out of if I were to write a 1500 word essay on why I think I should be elected the supreme oppressor of the universe?

        March 2, 2012 at 1:08 pm

      • Haha. No, I don’t think it would freak people out! DO IT! 😛

        March 2, 2012 at 1:14 pm

  2. this is wonderful – loved lines like:

    I’m so angry I want to destroy the world!
    I’m so bitter I want to destroy myself!
    I’m so nothing and I’m so everything
    I’m so lost and afraid
    I’m so desperate
    I’m so pathetic

    brilliant and thanks

    March 2, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    • Thank YOU once again. Kyle… it’s all because of you that I got on doing these old posts. And it’s funny how therapeutic this kind of thing is.

      March 2, 2012 at 1:11 pm

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