A blog about whatever randomosity my fevered mind conceives.

Supreme Oppressor of the Universe!

I had a third post (a brand new poem) already planned, and mostly prepped for today, but it is a little dark and since I started the day talking about how much I love to laugh, then dragged you fine people through the mud of my past, I now feel like I need to take the energy back to a good place… albeit a somewhat ridiculous place.

On that note, I would now like to propose that each and everyone one of you vote for me as…

Supreme Oppressor of the Universe!

{Imagine a booming voice announcing this, because that’s how it sounds in my head every time I say/think/write it}

I know people might find the word ‘oppressor’ a little oppressing, and I get that. Still, it’s just a title guys, don’t worry… I’ll be gentle… I promise. Honestly, I think I’d make a lovely ruler of the universe. If you gave me your votes, I could promise that I would outlaw things such as Mondays, Justin Bieber, pathetically pale egg yolks – I seriously dislike pale yolks! – Speedos on really hairy old men, bikinis on really hairy old women, poorly scripted so-called ‘reality TV’ shows, and Britney Spears. I would also see to it that PVR machines no longer screwed up (thus causing you to miss you favourite shows… or does that only happen to me?), and that no one ever had to deal with restrictions on their internet usage! I would also outlaw clowns (as if the last one didn’t get me Gabriela Vargas’ vote) mimes – because these are just the silent, black and white versions of clowns – and Valentine’s day for all the people in the world that, like me, hate it. For those of you who do love VD (and I don’t entirely get how anyone wants anything to do with a day that has the initials V and D… it just sounds to me like a very bad thing – though I’m not judging because a good Supreme Oppressor of the Universe wouldn’t do that) I will see to it that your calendars get an extra one – how does November work for you?

In the interest of keeping everyone completely satisfied, I would see to it that every man and woman on the planet got a cloned copy of their fantasy man/woman – or goat if that’s your thing – who or whatever you happen to find hotter than a seven weasel orgy in a gopher hole… all this while making it mandatory for your current significant other to be completely accepting to whatever uses you should find for said clone.

In the interest of making the world a more beautiful place, I would make rain colourful – I have always fancied the idea of watching a purple rain storm or an azure drizzle – and make certain that snow was NEVER coloured. I would also ascertain that no one ever picked – and/or ate – their nasty little nose critters at the shock and horror of any poor bastard stuck next to them at a red light, and that all doggy doo instantly vanished the instant it left Fido’s rear, thus insuring no more unsightly shoe mishaps.

As the Supreme Oppressor of the Universe, I would instigate new and miraculous forces that would assure that no child could ever touch your white shirt with sticky, chocolate covered hands again, and I would see to it that every twonk around the world that has ever left a nasty wad of gum on a bus bench is sent back and forced to eat said wad. I would snap my fingers and have every animal abusing wanker on the planet swap bodies with his poor, mistreated pooch, and then I would televise the roll reversal on free cable – just because I have a thing for just deserts and I hate the ridiculous cost of cable.

Ah yes, I would do all of these things for you and more, my friends, because the title comes with (in my imaginings) great and wondrous powers. What’s that? You want a unicorn? Done and done! See how that works?

Of course I’d deal with all those bigger, more nagging issues in the world too… you know, like hunger, world peace, equality… I’d even save the whales and bring back our rain forests!

So remember, a vote for Robin is like a vote for epicness!!

{Dedicated to Gabriela Vargas of Cribblings}


13 responses

  1. You’ve got my vote.
    Wonderful post your Epicness (is that how we should address you now?)
    Clever, funny, brilliant stuff.

    March 3, 2012 at 3:38 am

    • lol@ your Epicness… I like it!

      March 3, 2012 at 7:38 am

      • and it suits you – your epicness

        March 3, 2012 at 8:38 am

  2. Chrissy

    Kudos to you for sharing such private thoughts and feelings. And yes, to me, it is a poem- and an amazing one.

    March 3, 2012 at 6:00 am

    • I assume you mean ‘Freaking Out’… and I thank you. 🙂

      March 3, 2012 at 7:39 am

  3. Hahahaha. You’ve got my vote!! I love how you sneaked my name in there. XD You had me the minute you mentioned Monday. 😛 AND THEN I saw your dedication. OMG OMG OMG!! *jumps on you and hugs you until you nearly suffocate*

    I’d like a clone of Jason Segels, thank you very much!! 😛

    I want a good post under your rule. Like.. Right hand to the oppressor or something. 😛 I could even be your body guard. Oooh. That would be a FUN job.

    March 3, 2012 at 11:31 pm

    • Jason Segels it is – done and done! See how that works?:P
      lol I would so give you the position of my second in command… oh what fun we could have!

      March 4, 2012 at 8:49 am

      • Oooo. I like that! 😀 Second in command. 😛

        Also, Jason Segels could be BOTH our body guards. 😀 We could probably clone him anyway, so we shouldn’t have any issues.

        March 4, 2012 at 4:29 pm

      • HAHAHAHAHAHA oh yes, we could most definitely do that!!!

        March 4, 2012 at 4:30 pm

      • We could have a Jason Segel ARMY! :O

        March 4, 2012 at 4:37 pm

      • lol Jason Segel always makes me laugh… a million of hims in uniform would probably have me in fits so crazy I would accidently blow up the world!

        March 4, 2012 at 4:39 pm

      • Hahahahaha!! It would so be worth it though! 😛

        March 4, 2012 at 4:44 pm

      • Yes, I imagine it would! hehe

        March 4, 2012 at 4:45 pm

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