Challenge 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for
Okay, I have spent the last twenty minutes thinking on this one very carefully and it has come to my attention that there are exactly three (big) things that I still need to forgive myself for. Since I am not ready to share the first of these things in a public forum, and since the second is to do with my writing – and something I’ve touched on often in earlier posts – I will now discuss the third.
The sin that I now refer to – in the interest of vomiting up my soul – is in relation to the terrible habit I have of not always seeing things through. About three to five times a year (give or take) I will become completely obsessed with something new and dive into it with guns blazing, only to lose interest somewhere down the line and just walk away.
I have done this with learning new languages; Latin, Hungarian, Spanish – all things I desperately wanted to learn, devoted countless hours to for weeks or months or even a year at a time, only to give up because I lost interest or because it became more work than fun; I’ve done this with more writing projects than I can even count; I have a landfill’s worth of unfinished projects stored away in dusty boxes; I’ve done this with maddening crushes; become so insanely in lust with someone(s) for awhile that I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t breathe without thinking of them… only to have it suddenly disappear one day out of the blue; and last year I even walked away from my ‘business’ without blinking an eye, which was more then a little idiotic since I’d basically managed to stumble into a dream job. At least with my business I managed to maintain my obsession for a solid three years or so before I just lost interest, but that doesn’t make my inability to follow through on it any easier to swallow.
The reason I have to forgive myself for this nasty habit of mine is that, while it’s second nature for me to just walk away from whatever it is at some point, a few weeks or months down the line it almost always starts to cause me some degree of guilt – I feel like I have betrayed myself, and usually with good reason. Of course, if I could just stop doing it in the first place, I wouldn’t have anything to forgive myself for, but if it was that easy to stop doing, I wouldn’t keep doing it… would I?
Okay, in retrospect I should have just told you about the first thing I still need to forgive myself for; everyone loves a good tale of debauchery.
P.S. I apologize if this seems rushed and/or second-rate but it has been a very long day and I am very, very tired… I just didn’t want to have this challenge end up as yet another thing I’ve given up on lol.