A blog about whatever randomosity my fevered mind conceives.

Challenge Day 12: Something you never get compliments on…

I don’t know if it’s just the way my mind is working this afternoon or what… but this prompt seems just a little vague. I mean, I never get complimented on my blue eyes or blonde hair… I never get complimented on my Martha-Stewart-Like domestic skills or my flawless level-headedness… Obviously there are a lot of things I never get compliments on, and likely never will. This leads me to believe that the prompt wants me to discuss something I don’t harvest praise for, even though I sow the seeds in the expectation of admiration.

Really? Oy vey!

Okay folks, we’ve been stumbling together down the path of my past since nearly the first moment I struck fingers against keys in an attempt to create this page. Those of you who’ve been paying attention so far have likely heard me (read me) compare myself (my personality) to being like that of a coin; there are two sides to coin that may be entirely different, but have found someway to coexist. This whole challenge prompt just brings up more of that for me.

By now it’s likely clear that I have moments of aggravating narcissism twined together with flashes of utter (and I’d like to think charming :P) vulnerability. You may have even said to yourself, “Self – there’s no way this chickadee is like this in person… someone would have her committed”. I would then have to assure you that my apparent split personality disorder is something that’s obvious (to those who know me best, at any rate) in the really-real world, but as far as I know, no one’s fitting me for a straightjacket just yet.

These divisions in my character, I believe, are the result of what happened when – after I fell apart – I reconstructed my person from bits of scraps and second-hand parts. If you’ve ever rebuilt an old car from the ground up, you might have found that while the engine now purrs like a kitten, there’s still a strange rattling in the heater vents. That’s me… I run pretty smooth these days, but there’s still a few strange rattles that will never entirely go away.

Now, when I was younger I used shy away from compliments; I needed validation, but compliments made me… I want to say anxious but that’s not quite the right sentiment… let’s go with uneasy; and I had this way of never meeting a compliment head on. Someone would say something like, “You have pretty hair,” and I’d respond with, “I was thinking of shaving it to see if I could pull off the Sinead O’Connor.” Yes, badly constructed jokes (that nearly no one got) was my way of meeting praise.

These days – now that I’ve got my grown up pants on – I’m a little less uncomfortable with compliments, but I still (often) either avoid responding to compliments directly or use my slightly off-brand humour to blow past them. They don’t make me as uncomfortable anymore, I’ve just never really learned how to properly accept (and in some cases, trust) them.

You see, I no longer need validation (when it comes to most things – writing not included) and I don’t sit around making mental lists of what people do or don’t praise me for. That’s what made today’s prompt seem almost impossible to answer directly. However, as I’ve sat here babble-typing, I’ve come to realize (about two seconds ago) that there is something I’d kind of like to get credit for, and that’s my ability to adapt. Once upon a not that long ago, I did not possess this ability, you see; change scared the ever living shit out of me. Big and tiny alterations alike were something I went out of my way to avoid; I neglected software updates on my computer just because it caused me mild anxiety to have to adjust to even the slightest difference in the way things worked and/or appeared – that’s how bad it was. I’ve gotten over that – for the most part – (though I still often neglect computer maintenance because it interferes with things I’d rather be doing) and I’ve learned to embrace rather than avoid change. I personally think this development is pretty damn cool… but no one’s ever complimented me on it. To be realistic, I never expect people to praise me on this… hell, 95% of the people in my day-to-day life never even met the person I used to be, so how could they even guess at the person I once was and draw distinctions?

They can’t… but I can, and since I’m able to see what they don’t, I think the only logical thing to do now is to give myself a pat on the back and say, “Well met, ol’ chap!”

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24 responses

  1. well met, ol’ chap!

    March 12, 2012 at 5:10 pm

    • lol why thank you sir!

      March 12, 2012 at 5:39 pm

  2. I think that learning to cope and adapt is the number one trait in living well… and happily. It’s an awesome feat to achieve that skill – Congrats. I’m continuously working on it.

    March 13, 2012 at 1:14 am

    • I agree, and thank you! There are days when I’m still required to put in more effort… but it’s worth it in the end.

      March 13, 2012 at 10:40 am

  3. gypsy116

    In found this one to be way to vague too, I think you did a good job of answering it though (much better than I did, lol). I just wanted to say I think its awesome that youve learned to adapt the way you have. I see a lot of myself in much that you write, both when you werent doing so well (I see comparisons to me now), and now that your doing so much better (some comparisons to when I was doing somewhat better years ago), anyway, the point is that I really hope that I can learn to adapt as well as you have 🙂

    March 13, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    • Learning to adapt is not an easy thing for anyone – even those that never deal with depression and/or anxiety. I think sometimes, those of us who completely fall apart might be the lucky ones in a weird kind of way… when you hit that place (y’know, what so many like to call rock bottom) you get a much deeper look into your own person than most. You get to understand yourself in a much deeper way. That’s a good thing, even if the road to getting there’s tough.
      For me – when I really started to examine myself for the first time – I recognized that my fear of change might have been one of the biggest factors leading to my breakdown. After I clawed my way out of that self-imposed hell, I started looking at change a little differently; I tried not to shy away from it because I knew that doing so could eventually lead me back down that old path to where I most didn’t want to be. In the beginning it was hard; it was like I was always forcing myself to do things that I didn’t really want to do, or things that made me feel uncomfortable, but eventually, I really did start to embrace newness. These days I even tend to get a little bored if things stay unmoving too long.
      You seem like a very self-aware person; in my opinion that is the best tool you have to help get you passed where you are now, and get back to the person that you want to be.
      Try to remember now and then that it’s okay to be a little selfish; in fact, sometimes it’s necessary; and keep writing… letting all that bad stuff out keeps it from fermenting inside. I don’t know what I would have done if didn’t have writing to turn to in my darkest times. Of course, reading back on some of that old stuff is a little disturbing at times, but it’s nice to be able to see the distinctions between where I was and where I am, if only to encourage me to keep growing. You’ll get there too, and then you might even look back on it similar to how I do; like a badge of honour.

      March 13, 2012 at 2:35 pm

      • gypsy116

        I completely agree (about those of us who fall apart in some ways being lucky).
        Ive always been extremely introspective, and I have had times when I was doing much better than I am now, but I honestly feel like right now may be where things actually start to turn around. That my previous attempts at recovery were premature, because i still had so much to learn about myself before I could actually change. All I know is that while right now is a massive struggle everyday, and I fall back down a lot, Im spending more and more time “up”, and Im starting to see things more clearly. Things that Ive always known and understood on some level, are starting to make sense in a more applicable way, if that makes sense. Anyway, thank you for the words of encouragement, and I do actually look up to you, like you know, youve already traveled the road that Im just starting to step out onto 🙂

        March 13, 2012 at 3:02 pm

      • 🙂 Anytime.

        March 13, 2012 at 3:11 pm

  4. I love changing and I love adapting, though I think the people around me don’t find that to be a very appealing quality. I’ve been brought up in an ever changing environment, so I get bored without change. I get very very depressed.

    SO KUDOS TO YOU FOR BEING YOU! You are freaking awesome with your blue eyes, blonde hair, lip ring, random streaks, breathtaking creativity, domestic skills, level-headedness and most amazingly, your skill to adapt! 😛

    March 14, 2012 at 6:47 am

    • Heh! Ya, people don’t really like it when you change… I know a lot of things about my personality drives some people in my life nuts, but I’m oddly okay with that.
      LMAO and ya, the only of those things I have is a lip ring and an ability to adapt… I was being a smartass. BUT THANK OU!!!! You’re pretty freakin awesome yourself madam!

      March 14, 2012 at 7:15 am

      • Meh. What can you do? I change often. But I kinda think keeping me happy is important, and if you really care, then you stay. 😛

        Psssh! Please woman! You’re the whole package and don’t you lie about that!

        And thank youuuuuuu! *blushes just a little*

        March 14, 2012 at 7:23 am

      • Keeping you happy is the most important thing. Seriously… you can never truly love someone else until you at least greatly like yourself… being able to like yourself is heavily dependant on not cheating yourself. And you’re fully right – if they really care, they learn to deal.
        P.S. You’re awfully purdy when you blush :s

        March 14, 2012 at 7:26 am

      • This is why I’m planning on putting a mandatory 3 years dating tagline on myself. If you wanna end up with me, you have to, HAVE TO date me for 3 years first so that I know that you can deal with my.. quirks? Yeah. Quirks.

        P.S. Shoo! Don’t make fun of me!

        March 14, 2012 at 7:39 am

      • I WAS NOT!!! I had this full on mental image of you blushing away and I thought, awww, cute.
        You can make all the rules you want when it comes to dating… one day though, the right person will just pop up and surprise the hell out of you and then the rules will fly right out the window.
        … Or… You could just give up on dating and move to Canada to be my wife. Just a suggestion.

        March 14, 2012 at 7:43 am

      • Hahaha. You were! You were! If you weren’t.. Then awww.

        Oooooh! IM COMING TO CANADA! See, I’ve always been in love with that country and I actually might be coming in an year or so because my favorite cousins getting married. So I might meet you up and we could elope! 😛

        March 14, 2012 at 7:50 am

      • :O OHHHH!!! How cool is that? Ya, and just so you know… Canada rocks! Lol… I’m only a little biased. Have you ever been here before?

        March 14, 2012 at 7:53 am

      • I know Canada does! 😛

        And noo. I haven’t. My cousins usually fly out to where ever I am, because my mom’s already been and they still wanna see the world. So they’ve basically visited us whenever we’ve shifted countries. Lol.

        March 14, 2012 at 8:14 am

      • I think it’s so cool that you’ve spent your life traveling. I’ve done a bit, but not nearly as much as I’d like to.

        March 14, 2012 at 8:17 am

      • I’ve just been up and around Asia. I really really wanna see the rest of the world! You should meet my parents though. They’ve seen every single continent, except for South America.

        March 14, 2012 at 8:20 am

      • That’s freakin awesome. Paint me jealous and call me Sally! I’ve never been off this continent :(. I’ve been all over Canada and the states, and I’ve been to Mexico like 5 times now, but that’s it.

        March 14, 2012 at 8:22 am

      • Ooo. I really wanna go to Mexico. Not to keen on the States though. Not a fan.

        March 14, 2012 at 8:41 am

      • I’m not a huge fan of American politics, but it’s a beautiful country. And Mexico just straight-up kicks ass.

        March 14, 2012 at 8:42 am

      • Yeah? I might mull over the US then. Lets seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! 😛

        GRAND IDEA! Let’s go on a road trip for our honeymoon.

        March 14, 2012 at 8:45 am

      • Ohh, hey, now you’re thinking. Let’s do it!

        March 14, 2012 at 8:47 am

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