A blog about whatever randomosity my fevered mind conceives.

Challenge Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today…

I have often sat and pondered this very mystery. Off the top of my head – without even really trying – I can think of at least two dozen instances that should have led to my death, and dozens more that were just so bloody reckless that they could have ended pretty badly.

And yet here I am…  

I’m not even sure how I lived through being a kid; I was quite graceless while going through growth spurts back then and I was famous for wandering about with my head in the clouds instead of on whatever I happened to be up to.

I once fell between two boats during a storm. I don’t recall the incident myself, but according to the stories my father loves to tell, my uncle managed to grab me by the hair and yank me up just before the boats came smashing together. By all accounts, I should have been pancaked.

Another story my dad likes to tell (this one I vaguely recall) is of me doing a tight-rope walk along a balcony banister twenty to thirty feet above a rocky beach. I fell and probably should have died, but chance had me land on the only blackberry bush on that entire stretch of beach. I walked away from that one with a lot of scrapes and scratches, but no lasting damage.

{There are plenty of other stories from my early years that I could share with you (some are even quite amusing) but I’m a little pressed for time again, so we’ll just move on.}

Throughout my teen years I was hit by a Harley, had a gun shoved in my face, picked a fight with a pimp, got robbed at knife point, hung out with two murderers (I briefly dated one of them months before they were arrested for murder, and I don’t think I was ever in any real danger from either of them), took copious amounts of illegal narcotics, rode with drunk drivers, tried to fly off the roof of a barn and fell off the roof of a house. Also in my teens I was ‘miraculously’ spared from several situations that could have proved quite fatal (for example, the car accident that killed my friends ‘I’ and “K’ that I talked about in a different challenge).

In my twenties I had my very own freak-stalker who used to send me cut up pictures of myself (something I didn’t even take all that seriously until he was arrested for beating another girl half to death with a hammer) I hung out with a guy (who dated my little sister… and he seemed like such a nice young chap!) who is still in jail now for killing two people execution-style; again, I don’t think I was ever in any danger from him, but it is a very unnerving feeling to realize the guy that’s been crashing on your couch every weekend is capable of something like that. I drank enough to kill a regular person, took even more illegal narcotics, rode in cars with more drunk drivers, and was spared ‘miraculously’ from a handful of other situations that could have led to death – or at least serious injury. Also in my twenties, I spent a time playing with fantasies of suicide and living with a general abandonment of concern for my own well being.

Of late, the only real danger I’ve put myself in (that I’m aware of) is locking myself out of my house in -40 weather without a jacket… I think I’m improving. Of course, these days I have a lot more to live for and as such, I am more careful.  

I don’t really believe in luck, so I cannot say that I’ve been lucky. I don’t think I believe in fate either (though I’m not entirely decided on the matter) and so I’m not comfortable saying that I persevered because destiny had other plans for me. I’ve had people say to me, “God must be looking out for you,” or “You’ve got an angel on your shoulder,” but a higher being watching out for me seems somewhat doubtful. If there is a God, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have the time to follow around some reckless kid, trying to keep her from taking a dirt nap. And if there are angels, surely my refusal to adequately take care of myself would have driven the one on my shoulder to smite me out of frustration years ago.

I’ve heard people talking about things like, “It was just his time to go,” or “I guess it wasn’t her time yet.” This always makes me think of some being half Reaper and half Santa Clause. Usually the mental image that goes along with this is of some very tall, skeletal creature in a blood red cape with a heavy hood; equal parts jolly and terrifying. In one bare-boned, long-fingered hand, he’d clutch the top of a gigantic scroll filled with human names; each with a time and date stamped beside it; and in the other he’d hold an old-fashioned feather quill pen. “He’s making a list… he’s checking it twice…” As that I’m a chronic list maker myself, and since I know how hard it is to keep up with my own lists when other stuff is going on, is it not reasonable to assume that perhaps (just maybe) my Grim Santa is a scatterbrain too? Or maybe he’s an alcoholic with a tendency to forget about his responsibilities while inebriated, and by default – if he misses your cast call your name just slips down the list. If that’s the case, I should send the guy a case of brandy every time I plan on doing something stupid.

{Heh! I can’t believe I found this image… how bloody cool is that? I found it on sodahead.com, but I’m not certain of the original source.}

Honestly, I have no idea why I’m still alive. Sometimes I think the universe has a horribly ironic sense of humour and that I’ve only lived through those moments that seem so obviously fatal in retrospect, so that I can one day die doing something completely trivial like – I don’t know – choking to death on a piece of popcorn during a giggle-fit, or falling into a full tub while in the process of blow-drying my hair. Mostly however, I just think that it is what it is. I’m alive because I’m alive, end of story.  

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9 responses

  1. love this – love the idea of the universe having a horribly ironic sense of humour – you combine deep philosophies with a personal open touch and it works perfectly – thanks

    March 25, 2012 at 9:58 am

    • thank you sir, xx

      March 25, 2012 at 10:06 am

  2. You have been through a lot, everything happens for a reason 🙂 thank you for sharing !

    March 26, 2012 at 12:58 am

    • Thank you for reading Alsan.

      March 26, 2012 at 9:26 am

  3. Whoa. You’ve been through ALOT!

    March 27, 2012 at 7:08 am

    • I think it sounds like more when it’s presented in list form 😛

      March 27, 2012 at 7:51 am

      • No man. That seriously A LOT! Kudos to you. You make me fall in love with you even more every time I stop by. I didn’t even think it was possible.

        March 27, 2012 at 7:52 am

      • Awww shucks:$ The feeling is ENTIRELY mutual!!!

        March 27, 2012 at 7:54 am

  4. Everything happens for a reason and I am sure through all the experiences that you just have shared had made you even a stronger person you are now. Thank you for sharing! 🙂

    April 13, 2012 at 10:59 pm

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