Day 30: A letter to yourself; tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself…
Do you remember once upon a not that long ago, when you used to believe people were incapable of real change? Ah, it’s almost sweet when we sit back and take stock of all the things we’ve been wrong about over the years, isn’t it? I mean, you used to believe that you were defined by your inner turmoil, but look at you now; living a life devoid of angst and doing a pretty decent job at it if I do say so myself. It’s interesting to see you that you’ve managed to become so conscious of yourself, whereas you used to just be self-conscious. Who could have guessed that there was a difference, right? Ah, but you know yourself better than most will ever hope to, and you rarely ever hide from the truths anymore, even when they’re less than flattering. Times sure have changed, haven’t they?
I love that you’ve learned to accept yourself; that you no longer try to be anyone other than you. I remember a time when you wanted to change everything; your appearance, your feelings, you surroundings; but you didn’t know how to escape. These days you’re not even running, and it’s nice to see you take a break.
I love that you’re not sad anymore; that you smile from your heart and not from some strange need to cover up what you’re really feeling. There was a time when I thought you would die without a single person ever really knowing you, but I no longer have to worry about that. I love your laughter – even when you giggle snort – and the honest ring I hear in it. I love that you do it so often and so loud and that you don’t seem to give a damn who might be looking at you like you’re a lunatic.
By the way… have I ever told you that you’re about the nuttiest sane person I’ve even known? It’s true – you are – and I love the way that doesn’t even faze you; I love that you’re probably grinning about that right now. I love it when you sing out loud at the top of your voice and then wink at the stranger watching you from across the street like you’ve lost your fool mind. I love that you’ll break out dancing in the middle of a public place just to brighten someone’s mood. I love that you’re the first one to volunteer to do embarrassing things, and the last one to hide away from looking like a clown… so long as there’s fun to be had in it. I remember a time when you were so busy trying to make it look like you had it altogether that acting a little silly was the last thing you were ever like to do. Funny though, isn’t it, that you’ve gotten your head so neatly together that appearing insane can amuse the hell out of you, but back when you were actually losing it, you were so concentrated on looking sane.
I love that you’re not angry anymore. I think that was one of the hardest things for me to witness; the way you grew so bitter – and even a little cruel – during the initial stages of your metamorphosis. I see now that it was just something you needed to do; getting angry and fighting back was necessary at the time; but I was worried it was going to be a lasting thing, and so I’m quite pleased to see it didn’t stick. I’m glad you decided to let all that rage go, the baggage was getting too heavy anyway, and so long as you were holding on to past trespasses against you, there was no way you could really find happiness in the moment. I’m glad too that you made your amends with those you wronged along the way; I know who you are deep down inside and I think the guilt would have gotten to you if you hadn’t.
I love that you don’t let your fear stop you anymore. I remember watching you shy away from so many things over the years, and now I’m proud to say that just doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. I still get the creepy crawlies from some of weird shit you’ve done to prove you’re your own master – ugh, remember that damn tarantula? That was gross! – but I’m proud of you just the same. It’s a big wide world out there my friend, and life is short… might as well get in as much living as you can, while you can. Do me a favour though? Don’t go swimming with sharks; there’s laughing in the face of your fear and then there’s just plain insanity… remember; you like living!
I love that you’re a good mommy. I recall you saying that you’d never have children because you were too afraid of fucking them up; I remember how you once completely believed that the chains of abuse couldn’t be broken, but this was just one more thing you turned out to be wrong about, wasn’t it? I have a lot of respect for the way you are with your kids – I know you sometimes worry about your parenting skills, but I don’t. Love is the key, kiddo, and you always have plenty of it to give. All those little tough moments; oh and you’re soon to delve into the teen years, so believe me, the tough times are coming; won’t be so bad if you just stay on course.
I love the way that you’re always looking out for other people, but what I love most is that – these days – you remember to look out for yourself too. I love the way that you love. Back when you used to hate yourself, you only thought you were giving your whole heart, but I’ve seen the truth of it for some time now. It was only by learning to appreciate yourself that you really freed yourself up inside enough to give proper adoration to those you care about, and it was only through learning to respect yourself that you learned to command the respect and loyalty of others.
I love that you don’t see the world the same way as other people, but that you try so hard to accept everyone for who and what they are, despite your differences. I think that’s a pretty decent quality in a person.
I love that when you daydream, you cast yourself as the warrior, the dragon, the queen… you can’t even imagine yourself as the damsel or the victim or the prey anymore, and I find that kind of cool. I love too that in the real world, you refuse to back down. I love that you’ll stand and fight for what you believe in.
I love that you acknowledge that wedge of darkness that’s still within you, but that you don’t shy away from it, deny it or try to hide it. You are who you are sweetheart; just roll with it. You’ve lived enough of a life to have earned that little patch of darkness, and screw anyone who says otherwise. Remember that without darkness, light will never seem half so brilliant; two sides to every coin… Who cares if some see you as a sinner and others as a saint – you know you’re both.
I love that you can be funny and serious, deep and shallow, humble and narcissistic, whorish and virginal, patient and impatient, evil and innocent, submissive and dominant, kindly and devious, childish and mature, optimistic and pessimistic, ignorant and wise, sweet and sour… and all the other things that you sometimes are. Yes, I might not come right out and say it near as often as I should, but I do love you; never forget that, my friend.
Now, while I’d love to stay and chat the day away, there are things to do and people to see. Until next time, just keep being you, and stay one of a kind.
Love always and forever,