A blog about whatever randomosity my fevered mind conceives.

I’m Not Alone – I’m Just Lonely

I’m not alone –

I’m just lonely;

It feels like I’m falling apart.

The whole world around me is blackened,

And the darkness is choking my heart.

Some days

I’m just so uncertain,

And others I’m filled up with hate.

I can’t fight these feelings of terror

And sometimes, I think it’s too late.

I wonder at times

What is real.

I doubt myself more every day.

I’m living halfway in a dream world

In a place that I know I can’t stay.

I’m not alone –

I’m just lonely;

There are so many faces I see;

I dream of a time when I’m welcome;

Even though it seems

No one sees me.

I’m really not sure how to deal,

Or what it is that I’m meant to do.

But I can’t keep living in chaos;

I know that this much is true.

I find myself

Often wishing

I could return to a time not so bleak.

I wish that there was even one person

That listened when I try to speak.

I’m not alone –

I’m just lonely;

But for the voices in my brain.

It seems even they are against me,

As they push me towards the insane.

I think I’m

About to snap now;

That everything is going to fade.

I guess this is just the horror

Of sleeping in the bed that I made.

Not sure how much

More I can handle

Before I give up on the last of my dreams.

Not sure that I want to go on still,

In a world that is not what it seems.

I’m not alone –

I’m just lonely;

And I’m living in some sort of hell.

There is so much chaos within me

And I’ve got not a person to tell.

There is no one

At all that I turn to

As there is no one at all I can trust.

Just waiting for this game to be over;

For this world to fall away into dust.

I’m not even sure

That I’d even mourn it,

Or that even a tear I would shed.

I can’t just pretend that I don’t think

It would be much better off were I dead.

I’m not alone –

I’m just lonely;

I’m like a zombie that walks in the day.

I don’t have any faith in salvation

I can’t even be bothered to pray.

Maybe their words

Hold the full truth;

Maybe I’ve no worth at all.

Perhaps I should give them what they want –

Just give in and let myself fall.

Maybe I am

Just so horrid

That I don’t even deserve to smile.

Why then do I cling so intensely

To believing the struggle’s worthwhile?

I’m not alone –

I’m just lonely,

And I’m tired of feeling so cold.

I tell myself not to listen;

Not to hear the words that I’m told.

But over and over

I hear them

Again and again I lose sight.

It’s so hard to keep standing tall

When I’m beginning to think they’re all right.

Maybe I’m really

Just evil;

Some terribly wasted soul.

And even if that’s not the whole truth

I’m afraid this world’s already taken its toll.

I’m not alone –

I’m just lonely;

Each day it gets harder to wake.

I wish that I had more strength in me

But this life’s getting ever harder to fake.

I keep glimpsing

The light at the end;

Just a hint of the things that might be.

But it’s too easy to doubt now that I’ll have that

When I feel like I’ll never be free.

God though –

I want all that glitter;

That light that I’ve been too long without;

So I’ll try to hold on a little longer

And I’ll try to not to choke on my doubt.

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26 responses

  1. You harness the power of emotion beautifully. From other things I’ve read of yours this seems like, maybe, it is past experience. I’ve been there. But if it does occasionally get to you, I’m always willing to chat.

    April 2, 2012 at 7:46 am

    • Thank you so much… but honestly, you were right; this comes from place of past emotion. I think we’ve all been there at least a time or two, but I currently have no intentions of going back. This poem was inspired by some of my old journals; I was going through them over the weekend looking for something. It was a recurring theme in a lot of the entries, and I couldn’t shake the compulsion to put it in verse.
      Thank you again! And… should you need… I’m always willing to chat too. 🙂

      April 2, 2012 at 7:53 am

  2. jeglatter

    Yes, as long as that spark of light is there…and it is always there…we will be ok.

    April 2, 2012 at 7:54 am

    • Well said 🙂 Thanks for reading.

      April 2, 2012 at 7:55 am

  3. beautiful, deep and profound

    April 2, 2012 at 9:59 am

  4. bpshielsy

    I can’t put down in words how it feels when I’m depressed. What you’ve written there, is probably the closest I’ve seen written that does it justice.

    You really do have a way with words & I’m sure your book will be back on track in no time.

    April 2, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    • Thank you :)… I’m sure you’re right about the book, sometimes I just get off track, but I (almost) always get back on it eventually, hehe.

      April 2, 2012 at 3:29 pm

  5. That was so awesome!
    This couldn’t have been the weird thing that you were working on though.. Because it’s not weird at all. I could completely relate to it.

    April 2, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    • hehe no… that was just a poem based on some old stuff I was reading in my journals over the weekend… the weird thing is about to drop… just trying to decide if I should actualy go ahead and push pulish, or if I’d be better off dumping it in the ‘landfill’.
      I think most people can relate to this poem – at least now and then. I’m oh-so happy you liked it. I’ll be along shortly to catch up on your blog… busy day so far and now I’m running behind schedule yet again!

      April 2, 2012 at 3:28 pm

      • Ooo. I think you just published. I’m gonna go check it out now! 😀

        Today’s been such a useless day for me. I’ve done absolutely nothing except daydream. Lol.

        April 2, 2012 at 4:18 pm

      • I think I hate it. I mean, I know I always say that, but this time I really think I hate it… it’s just the first thing (bigger than a poem and more involved than a thousand word randomisity post) that I’ve actually managed to sit and finish lately.

        April 2, 2012 at 4:20 pm

      • I like it so far! It fits in well together, and it sounds like a nice story. You have me jumping in my chair for the second part and hating those two aunts. 😛

        April 2, 2012 at 4:27 pm

      • Do you want to know what the funniest part about those aunts is?

        April 2, 2012 at 4:29 pm

      • What what? 😛

        April 2, 2012 at 4:40 pm

      • They’re modeled after two of my crazier aunts – twins that smoke too much, talk in language that would make a sailor blush, and constantly make crude jokes at other people’s expense. They’re not so evil, but they were the inspiration lol. Most of my family calls them the ‘twisted sisters’ behind their backs… I almost named this story that.

        April 2, 2012 at 4:41 pm

      • Omg. Lol. I’d love to have people like that in my family but unfortunately I’m the black sheep. 😛

        Hmm. They’re the ones who’re gonna kill the dress, aren’t they?

        April 2, 2012 at 4:44 pm

      • LMAO Dude!!! I’m the white sheep in my family… and I’m a dirty rotten heathen, so what does that tell you about my kin? HAHAHAHA
        Hmm, I don’t know what they’re gonna do… I forgot.

        April 2, 2012 at 4:46 pm

      • What? SERIOUSLY? No way.

        Hmm. I’m so confused. See, either the guy is gonna screw her over or the aunts are going to do something horrible. I love the guessing game. When IS the second part coming out?

        April 2, 2012 at 4:49 pm

      • Tomorrow… I was gonna post it all as one piece, but no one ever has the patience to sit and read something near 5000 words, so I figured I’d just split it up… it means I already have one post for tomorrow now, which is great too.

        April 2, 2012 at 4:50 pm

      • Tomorrow is SO long to wait out. *sniffles* I WANNA KNOW NOW.

        April 2, 2012 at 4:53 pm

      • Awww 😦 I’m sawwy!!!

        April 2, 2012 at 4:54 pm

      • Nevermind. It’ll be worth the wait! 😛

        April 2, 2012 at 5:02 pm

  6. I’ve walked in those words many times. That was a lovely read. Thank you

    April 2, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    • Aye, I think it’s a pretty common feeling unfortunately. I’m glad you liked it! Thanks for reading luv. xx

      April 3, 2012 at 7:21 am

  7. Enjoyed it! Thank You! 🙂

    April 14, 2012 at 3:22 am

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