I’m Not Alone – I’m Just Lonely

I’m not alone –

I’m just lonely;

It feels like I’m falling apart.

The whole world around me is blackened,

And the darkness is choking my heart.

Some days

I’m just so uncertain,

And others I’m filled up with hate.

I can’t fight these feelings of terror

And sometimes, I think it’s too late.

I wonder at times

What is real.

I doubt myself more every day.

I’m living halfway in a dream world

In a place that I know I can’t stay.

I’m not alone –

I’m just lonely;

There are so many faces I see;

I dream of a time when I’m welcome;

Even though it seems

No one sees me.

I’m really not sure how to deal,

Or what it is that I’m meant to do.

But I can’t keep living in chaos;

I know that this much is true.

I find myself

Often wishing

I could return to a time not so bleak.

I wish that there was even one person

That listened when I try to speak.

I’m not alone –

I’m just lonely;

But for the voices in my brain.

It seems even they are against me,

As they push me towards the insane.

I think I’m

About to snap now;

That everything is going to fade.

I guess this is just the horror

Of sleeping in the bed that I made.

Not sure how much

More I can handle

Before I give up on the last of my dreams.

Not sure that I want to go on still,

In a world that is not what it seems.

I’m not alone –

I’m just lonely;

And I’m living in some sort of hell.

There is so much chaos within me

And I’ve got not a person to tell.

There is no one

At all that I turn to

As there is no one at all I can trust.

Just waiting for this game to be over;

For this world to fall away into dust.

I’m not even sure

That I’d even mourn it,

Or that even a tear I would shed.

I can’t just pretend that I don’t think

It would be much better off were I dead.

I’m not alone –

I’m just lonely;

I’m like a zombie that walks in the day.

I don’t have any faith in salvation

I can’t even be bothered to pray.

Maybe their words

Hold the full truth;

Maybe I’ve no worth at all.

Perhaps I should give them what they want –

Just give in and let myself fall.

Maybe I am

Just so horrid

That I don’t even deserve to smile.

Why then do I cling so intensely

To believing the struggle’s worthwhile?

I’m not alone –

I’m just lonely,

And I’m tired of feeling so cold.

I tell myself not to listen;

Not to hear the words that I’m told.

But over and over

I hear them

Again and again I lose sight.

It’s so hard to keep standing tall

When I’m beginning to think they’re all right.

Maybe I’m really

Just evil;

Some terribly wasted soul.

And even if that’s not the whole truth

I’m afraid this world’s already taken its toll.

I’m not alone –

I’m just lonely;

Each day it gets harder to wake.

I wish that I had more strength in me

But this life’s getting ever harder to fake.

I keep glimpsing

The light at the end;

Just a hint of the things that might be.

But it’s too easy to doubt now that I’ll have that

When I feel like I’ll never be free.

God though –

I want all that glitter;

That light that I’ve been too long without;

So I’ll try to hold on a little longer

And I’ll try to not to choke on my doubt.

April 2, 2012 | Categories: Poetry | Tags: alone, anguish, anxiety, broken, depression, despair, doubt, Dream Journals, Dream World, emotion, fear, feelings, hopeless, hopelessness, loneliness, lonely, loss of self, Mental Health, Online Writing, Poem, poetry, Psychology, Sadness, Writing | 26 Comments